Beauty Ashes
"To give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness"
As I write this morning, I can't help but to wonder what the medical report will say this evening yet for some reason I have a peace that only God can give. As serious as this might be, I know that God's presence will comfort me. I've spent so much time away from God that I am just grateful to be reconnected with the Holy Spirit. Reconnected after time of trying to do everything on my own for so long. Growing up in a dysfunctional, unstable, and challenging childhood I attempted to escape the pain through working extra hard and being top of my class all throughout school. Yet those were the positives. In essence I owe my success to the hardships I went through, they made me stronger no doubt and independent. In the negative I turned to relationships to fulfill the void that I had of not understanding the events of my life. My mom left me when I was 12 to live with my dad. Years later I moved back with my mom but the feeling of abandonment and bitterness of having to grow up so fast never quite erased from my heart. I still need healing when it comes to healthy attachments with people. Deep down inside I've always felt like I don't really need anyone but the truth is that it was a defense to self-medicate myself and convince myself that I am enough in case others decide to leave me the way my mom did. Furthermore, her and my dad were never married so he has only partially been a part of my life. He is a great father but that does not justify his absence especially at times when I needed a father the most. A phone call or text is not the same as building an ongoing relationship with your child.
More of these confessions will come much later. I know that God is pulling off the layers one at a time so that I may truly get to the core of my pain and use it to be a blessing to others. Beauty for ashes has always stuck with me because I have often felt that I differ from my peers in that I made a lot of bad decisions when I was younger--those are my ashes. Yet God has covered me with his grace and traded my ashes for his beauty!
As I write this morning, I can't help but to wonder what the medical report will say this evening yet for some reason I have a peace that only God can give. As serious as this might be, I know that God's presence will comfort me. I've spent so much time away from God that I am just grateful to be reconnected with the Holy Spirit. Reconnected after time of trying to do everything on my own for so long. Growing up in a dysfunctional, unstable, and challenging childhood I attempted to escape the pain through working extra hard and being top of my class all throughout school. Yet those were the positives. In essence I owe my success to the hardships I went through, they made me stronger no doubt and independent. In the negative I turned to relationships to fulfill the void that I had of not understanding the events of my life. My mom left me when I was 12 to live with my dad. Years later I moved back with my mom but the feeling of abandonment and bitterness of having to grow up so fast never quite erased from my heart. I still need healing when it comes to healthy attachments with people. Deep down inside I've always felt like I don't really need anyone but the truth is that it was a defense to self-medicate myself and convince myself that I am enough in case others decide to leave me the way my mom did. Furthermore, her and my dad were never married so he has only partially been a part of my life. He is a great father but that does not justify his absence especially at times when I needed a father the most. A phone call or text is not the same as building an ongoing relationship with your child.
More of these confessions will come much later. I know that God is pulling off the layers one at a time so that I may truly get to the core of my pain and use it to be a blessing to others. Beauty for ashes has always stuck with me because I have often felt that I differ from my peers in that I made a lot of bad decisions when I was younger--those are my ashes. Yet God has covered me with his grace and traded my ashes for his beauty!
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